Just for the Halibut

Sometimes people say ridiculous things. Sometimes I’m lucky enough to hear them. Sometimes I’m even moved to write them down! Now you can share my luck…

Quotes From School

Prof. M. (PHL 353: Kant and 19th Century Philosophy)
Introducing himself: “I just returned from a sabbatical in China, so I’m having a hard time getting back to the reality-based community.”
Regarding Mary Wollstonecraft: “She’s writing so people can understand what she’s saying, which is not a traditional approach with these people.”
“Who is saran wrap named after? Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? These are hard questions.”
“It’s great to hear people speak German. It always sounds like, ‘Let’s invade Belgium.'”
“Either we have a room of very ambitious people, or liars. I shall make no judgment.”
“Be more specific or I’ll inflict something else upon you, like comparing the second half of the Parmenides with Hegel‘s Phenomenology of the Spirit. In Sanskrit.”
Discussing ethical dilemmas: “Suppose you discover that GE is poisoning Indiana… I know, there’s an upside.”
“He’s buried in Cleveland, so if anybody can find his grave, let me know cuz I wanna go dance.”
“I don’t like free riders. I like everyone to contribute to the gorgeous mosaic that is our class.”
(Re: Mitt Romney) “I’m quite certain he never uses the Lord’s name in vain. Except maybe when his hair is mussed.”
“This is why I like chalk. It always works. Well, not on whiteboards, on blackboards, which are actually green. It’s confusing being a teacher.”
“This is what you’re dealing with with Peirce: the possibility of an out-of-body experience, and the possibility that this experience will not turn out well.”
“My daughter likes to say she’s special, and I ask, ‘Like in the Special Olympics?’ and she gets really mad because that’s a really, you know, distasteful thing to say.”
“I’m not doing a line by line analysis, but then, I haven’t done any lines for years.”
(Re: another class) “One of my students thinks Karl Marx is the Antichrist, who would indeed have super-hero-like powers, although he would not use them for good. Or she. I’m all for inclusive language. You never hear the Antichrist referred to as ‘she,’ do you.”
“On the test if you were to answer the question, ‘What conclusion can we draw from Marx?’ with ‘Things suck,’ well, it’s pithy, and it captures much of what Marx wants to say, but it needs more precision.”
“If you go ask someone who isn’t taking a 19th century philosophy class, a normal person… now, don’t take that the wrong way.”
“The word ‘bullshit’ should never be used to describe sociology. However, ‘nonsense’…”
“Ohio: so many vowels, so little time.”

Prof. F.(HST 312 & 314: European History 1789-1812 & 1812-1914)
“[My wife] never did tell me what she was doing in the Soviet Union during the mid 80s…”
“You shouldn’t use the feminine pronoun to refer to nations. You never see the US referred to as ‘she.’ Or Canada. Or Belgium. Belgium is my litmus test – if it’s not being done to Belgium, there’s a problem.”

Mrs. G. (Latin 141 & 201)
“It’s the weirdest kind of show, with little creatures talkin’ to each other all the time… oh yeah, South Park.”
“He prostated himself, oh whoops, I meant prostrate – I’ve had prostates on my mind lately!”
“So you’ve never owned a donkey, then?”

Prof. C. (Reading Theological German)
“Everybody knows someone by the name of Heidi.” (somehow I have escaped this…)
“This list is incomplete and has some inaccuracies.”

Prof. L. (sub: reading Theological German)
(describing how to pronounce the word böse) “You pucker up like you’re gonna kiss somebody, but don’t let your tongue slide to the back of your mouth.”

Prof. D.: You guys don’t like Canada?
Classmate: Bad things come from Canada – like hockey players and sketch comedians.
Prof. D.: (thoughtfully) It’s true. There are a higher percentage of sketch comedians in Canada.

Fr. J.: (referring to the paper we should bring to write our test on): “I want no raggedy edges – nice, clean-cut, capitalist edges.”

Actual title of a section of our Readings In Christianity text: “On Heretics and Those Who Burn Them”

Friends & Family

Damon: “We’re not destroying [it], we’re just augmenting with our heads!”

Leila: “Sbratislova – I don’t even know if there is such a place. But you never know. It could be the Russian version of Springfield.”

Special Summer Fireworks Edition (a drama in two acts):
A summer evening on the shores of Lake Erie. A cool breeze is coming off the Lake, a little too cool for comfort if you happen to be damp from swimming. The characters are huddled together on a blanket for warmth while waiting for fireworks

Mikey (my baby brother, 15):“I am flexing my muscle in Morse Code against your back.”
Rosie (my baby sister, a little older):“But I don’t know Morse Code!”
Mikey:“I am saying, ‘Rosie is a poo-poo head.'”
(later)
Rosie:“Ow! My boob!”
Me:“You weren’t using it for anything.”
Rosie: “Tickle! … Hey, you have a strong grip.”
(the fireworks begin)
Me:“Saved! Saved!”

Special Family Vacation Edition:
Dad: “My plan was that after appropriate potty-ing, we would get back in the van…”
Me to Leila: “Have you pottied appropriately?”
Judy: “Dang it! You made me put cherry juice on my pants!”
Michelle: “Personal space! Personal space!”